Courageous and strong people also have a weak /feeling lost side to them
I have to admit to you all that the last few days have been emotionally low...really low. While I present myself as up beat and positive ,I am MOST of the time. This journey is hard, really hard. With my right leg swollen and hard to bend and walk, I notice there is pain, a tenderness on my right side groin area. Right side ovary position. I dont know if that is where they cut and stiched part of my colen and it has unraffeled, OR the cancer had come back and grown in that area. Something is going on. The doctor says if/when the cancer comes back it would be in the same area ...which is my LEFT side.
I had a CT scan Friday at 5pm. Technition says results wont be back till probably wed. I will be in Mexico with my son Joe and with out much phone access. And do I really want any bad news when I am down there?...NO I will leave a message for the doctor to call Carl/barry and he can make any arrangements needed.
I also tested my alkline level and it is only at 6 when I need it at 7.5. I have worked so hard at this alkiline diet, I have sacrifice so much to stay on it. It angers me. I dont know what else to do to get it there. That means cancer is winning.
I thought about hidding these feeling from all of you( after all its xmas time). I have gotten such good strokes for the courage I have. And right now, I dont feel like I have any courage. I feel like I am battling a monster that I cant handle, just way too big, too strong, I am being over powered.
Maybe I will look back on this and laugh. It's just there have been so many bumps in the road that right now I am feeling damaged.
So I go thru my paces, on the verge of tears most minutes. Again I am face to face , eye to eye with my mortality. I have so much more I want to do.
I never realized what it REALLY meant when some one says"Sez the day" "dont wait-do it now" Well here I am having so much I want to do and not sure it is going to work out.
Yesterday I was watching people walk. Do you realize what a GIFT it is to walk? Since I can only walk short distance (with pain) I look at walking and say "gees, if I could walk like that again". It is just a given, you get up, you get dressed, you go out walking. What a joy that would be for me.
Appreciate your walking ability, someday it may be altered like mine.
Love Suzanne, wondering if I will be a cancer survivor
I have to admit to you all that the last few days have been emotionally low...really low. While I present myself as up beat and positive ,I am MOST of the time. This journey is hard, really hard. With my right leg swollen and hard to bend and walk, I notice there is pain, a tenderness on my right side groin area. Right side ovary position. I dont know if that is where they cut and stiched part of my colen and it has unraffeled, OR the cancer had come back and grown in that area. Something is going on. The doctor says if/when the cancer comes back it would be in the same area ...which is my LEFT side.
I had a CT scan Friday at 5pm. Technition says results wont be back till probably wed. I will be in Mexico with my son Joe and with out much phone access. And do I really want any bad news when I am down there?...NO I will leave a message for the doctor to call Carl/barry and he can make any arrangements needed.
I also tested my alkline level and it is only at 6 when I need it at 7.5. I have worked so hard at this alkiline diet, I have sacrifice so much to stay on it. It angers me. I dont know what else to do to get it there. That means cancer is winning.
I thought about hidding these feeling from all of you( after all its xmas time). I have gotten such good strokes for the courage I have. And right now, I dont feel like I have any courage. I feel like I am battling a monster that I cant handle, just way too big, too strong, I am being over powered.
Maybe I will look back on this and laugh. It's just there have been so many bumps in the road that right now I am feeling damaged.
So I go thru my paces, on the verge of tears most minutes. Again I am face to face , eye to eye with my mortality. I have so much more I want to do.
I never realized what it REALLY meant when some one says"Sez the day" "dont wait-do it now" Well here I am having so much I want to do and not sure it is going to work out.
Yesterday I was watching people walk. Do you realize what a GIFT it is to walk? Since I can only walk short distance (with pain) I look at walking and say "gees, if I could walk like that again". It is just a given, you get up, you get dressed, you go out walking. What a joy that would be for me.
Appreciate your walking ability, someday it may be altered like mine.
Love Suzanne, wondering if I will be a cancer survivor
posted by Suzanne at
7:29 AM
2 Comments:
Suzanne, I just posted on my blog and went to check yours. It seems we are both down tonight, on Xmas Eve. I wish I had some magical, comforting words that would take the pain and doubt away for good, but I don't. I want to let you know that you aren't alone, that we are here and routing for you even when it is hard for you. You don't have to always be strong. We will try to be strong for you when you are tired. I am not sure if this will help or not, but I found it on the internet and thought you might enjoy it. Deb
VICTIM OR SURVIVOR
Although the definition said, "A cancer survivor is anyone who has ever been diagnosed with cancer and is alive today," the first time I read it, I didn't feel like a cancer survivor. Cancer Victim seemed a much more accurate term. But then the dust settled, treatment began, and I realized the "victim" thing just didn't fit. I tossed the victim/survivor issue around and finally came to the conclusion that a victim and a survivor are the same thing -- almost. The differences are subtle but at the same
time enormous. The first thing I realized is that a survivor is a victim with an attitude. After I understood that, things were a little better. I had a choice about something - I could be a cancer victim or a cancer survivor.
I liked the idea of having an attitude and I liked the sound of being a survivor. Next, I thought about a friend of mine who had metastatic breast cancer and was the epitome of a cancer survivor. To Barbie, survivorship was a state of mind. Despite the moments of sadness and pain, she never lost her ability to laugh about some of the absurdities of cancer and cancer treatment. She treasured every moment and faced each new situation as best as she could. Eventually, the cancer got her body; however, she never allowed it to reach her spirit. I think of her as a survivor in the truest sense of the word.
Very slowly, the differences between being a survivor and victim became clear, and I started making a list. I'm sure every survivor can add one or two more. This is just a start.
Being a victim is a state of body. Being a survivor is a state of mind.
A victim fears hair falling out. A survivor knows bald is beautiful.
A victim knows about feeling down. A survivor knows feeling down is okay.
A victim dreads the side effects of treatments. A survivor wonders how to cancel his membership in the Side-Effect-of-the-Month Club.
A victim is amazed at all the tears. A survivor never leaves home without Kleenex.
A victim goes to "see" a doctor. A survivor "consults" with his or her physician.
A victim gets caught in despair. A survivor prays a lot.
A victim feels helpless. A survivor says "thanks" with dignity and grace.
A victim enjoys a good laugh. A survivor loves one.
From the moment we are diagnosed, we are victims. We must choose to be survivors.
Paula (Bachleda) Koskey
From Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul
by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Patty Aubery
and Nancy Mitchell, RN copyright 1996 Canfield, Hansen, Aubery and Mitchell
By
Deborah, at 4:35 PM
Merry Christmas Girlfriend! I know is doesn't not seem like a Ho Ho Ho sort of day..maybe a Ho Hum day instead? Take heart...YOU ARE A SURVIVOR...You do have ATTITUDE! How many times have we danced to the song, "I WILL SURVIVE"...First I was afraid, I was petrified...you know the tune! How about "I GOT A NEW ATTITUDE"...I know blah blah...I am just reminding you of who you are...somethimes we all forget. Even in the best of circumstances, we loose sight of who we are..let me remind you: Suz, you are a strong, powerful, vibrant, ALIVE woman...a TRUE CANCER SURVIVOR...you are ALIVE with Joy and Promise.. with FIGHT and DETERMINATION. You are An inspiration to those in your life and you embody what a woman warrior is. I wish I could take the pain and im-mobility from you..Today I wish for you a day of peace and rest amongst the craziness. You are loved...Keep on keeping on! MEXICO HERE YOU COME!
Love Michelle
By
Michelle, at 11:24 AM
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