This blog will chronicle my journey surviving ovarian cancer

2007-05-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

This is Suzanne's daughter-in-law, Deborah. I regretfully am writing to inform you that Suzanne past away last Wednesday, May 9th at 3AM.

As most of you know, Suzanne was living with Joe and I and on hospice. She had a very rare form of Ovarian Cancer and was a courageous fighter and survivor until the very end. She died peacefully and seemingly pain-free in her sleep.

Per Suzanne's wishes, she will be cremated and her ashes will be distributed over the Golden Gate Bridge. We will hold a memorial service in celebration of her life this Friday, the 18th. There will not be a viewing.

Please do not send flowers. Instead, if you would like to contribute something in her honor, Suzanne's charities of choice were the Make a Wish Foundation and American Cancer Society.

Suzanne's contagious laughter, her adventurous spirit and her deep passion for life will forever be in our memory and in our hearts. Please join us in saying a special prayer for her today.

This will serve as the last post to this blog. If you need to reach us, please send an email to debvfields24@yahoo.com

Peace and Love to all,
Joseph, Deborah & Rodney & Lara

2007-04-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

There comes a time when you have to face the facts and as much as I have been fighting, these last turn of events have really set me back. Last I wrote you I had my first drainage and since then had a second drain as well as a surgical procedure. The procedure involved not only drainging me, but also inserted a cathader to allow self-drainage at home. I am pretty much spending my days and nights in bed. It is painful for me to move, breathe, and eat. I feel weak. I have a call into hospice to see if they can help me manage my pain and am waiting to hear back from my new nutrutionist (she has been consulting me for 2 weeks now). Please know that I am not able to respond to emails and if you need to reach me that you can call my cell phone.

2007-03-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

Recovery from a procedure

When I went to kaiser last Thursday the doctor said it was too soon to put a perm tube in me. They took the area on my lower right side, sorta by your hip bone and inward . There they shot me 4 or 5 time with Novocaine to numb me. Then they pushed a needle type tube in me. All Icould say was "pressure pressure pressure" This was no walk in the park. attached to this needle was a small pump. I was able to watch what came out-UGH!
Think about the size of a giant coke bottle-well I filled 2 1/2 of those=2 1/2 liters. was a brown amber color. The doc says it is fluid that is being created by the cancer tumors.
He wants to see how long it will take me to fill up again-OH whoopee!

I have been weak and have stayed in bed most of the time. Much pain..
my helper is here to day and I hope that I can get back on track and get stronger.
Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2007-03-14T18:05:00.000-07:00

UGH ! ! !

For the last 2 weeks I have felt pressure building in the area below my navel. I didn't think too much of it. I kept an eye on it...however these last few days I had to face it. I was looking as if I was pregnant and was having some pains and lots of pressure.
Today I saw my internist and had a sonogram. Results show I have "ascites" and the small cyst or tumor on my pelvis is 3x's what it was in late December.
I am waiting for a call from Kaiser Walnut Creek surgery. I will have surgery in the next 2 days. Sounds like in/out surgery. They will insert a catheter type tube in my stomach. They will then teach me how to drain the fluids off.
The fluids are created by the cancer tumors.
This is not the news I wanted. yet I must deal with it.

I have also hired a friend to be my caregiver each day from 11 to 4 M-F I knew I was not keeping up with my supplements and I needed more juicing . This will allow her to support me to stay steady to my alternative process.
Of course at this moment I am off EVERYTHING until I get this tube in me.
I wish I was making steps forward and feel sad. I AM NOT giving up-I am still a fighter.
Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor
'

2007-03-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

month of transitions...a test of faith and emotional strength.

Hi friends, much has happened this last month:
* 8 year relationship breakup
* Moved to Joe and Deb's
* Started alternative health program
* All personal belongings out of condo
* Condo sold

"The birds in the sky would be sad and lonely if they knew I lost my one and only."

The parting of ways with Carl/Barry has been painful. He was my rock and I love him. We had ups and downs over 8 years-mostly UP times! We had fun, we laughed, we traveled and we share colorful rich memories. I grieve for the relationship. Yet, I know my life was drastically changing and Carl/Barry's was flourshing. We were going in 2 different directions. I couldn't get well enough, fast enough to keep up. I still love him, you don't stop loving overnite. I will always hold a special place in my heart for him.

The move...
Day by day I brought over a few things to Joe and Deb's. Slowly setting up the room to be "my room". Moving into one room only allows for the essentials. It has become pretty black and white what goes to the new home and what goes to Salvation Army. Soon my room will be set up. I still have boxes of stuff piled high. In time it will get sorted thru and I will find a place for it.
It is a peaceful room - I am clear I am here to heal.
Joe and Deb have been wonderful with "open arms". Willing to do "whatever it takes" for me to follow thru on my alternative healing methods.

Alternative health program
I am under the care of Dr Lee a naturalpathic doctor(she). I also still have the support of Kaiser doctors. I am following what is called "The Kelly Method" It was created many years ago and has helped thousands of people. The medical community does not talk about it and it is kept off the radar screen. Doctors know medical stuff, they dont really have the time to research other ways of curing/healing. Beside's I read its against the law for a doctor to heal someone without using phamacutical drugs ( I know, hard to believe).
This program is challenging to say the least-OK-it is really hard to do. However it is better than chemo. So each day I take it step by step.

I would say being on chemo made me a victim-I had no control. The chemo took over, made me sick-really sick. Until the chemo got out of my body, I was at the mercy of the effects.
While "The Kelly Method" is a full contact sport. I am in control. I am choosing each day to follow these rigerous rules.
Here is a sample of my daily schedule:
*8am urine test
physical therapy exercise for hip and leg
turn on infared sauna
take 30 supplements
*9am 45 min sauna-15 min shower
*10-11:30am coffee enemas (from this point on know as COFFE DELIGHTS)
*11:30am breakfast-14 raw grain ceral plus blueberries (yep, tastes like glue!)
26 supplements
*12-1:30pm FREE TIME-14 supplements
*1:30-2:30pm 16oz of fresh greens thru the juicer with 3 tablespoons RAW LIVER (you
read it correctly)
20 supplements
*3-4pm FREE TIME
*4-5:30 coffee delights
*5:30pm 14 supplements
*6:30pm prepare dinner, choice of special orderd salmon or grass fed beef ( yeah!)
and tons of vegtables
25 supplements
*7:30pm FREE TIME
*9pm 45 min sauna-15 min shower
10 supplements
*10pm Make coffee for next day coffee delights, grind 14 raw grain ceral and mix
with water for next day breakfast
7 supplements

It is mind boggling to keep up with it all. I am still in the process of getting organized. I will be bagging my supplements so it will be easy to grab. A bag in the morning, a bag before breakfast, a bag for breakfast etc.
If I have questions along the way, Dr Lee is available.
Each day, step by step-its not easy! Good thing I am strong and want to fight for my life.

Clearing out the condo
2 weeks ago I met with Karen T and Cathy Z fron Coldwall Banker. They had high hopes that my condo would sell. They felt the market was changing. This was on a tuesday night and the next sat there was a crew of people working at my condo. We needed to get everything out, except staging pieces. Rugs up and out, small pieces of furnature, decorating accessories collected along the way. We had to do it, the house would go on the market in just a few days.
It was very stressful, emotional and exhausting. Friends say, "do you want this? do you want that?". Having to make snap decisions...seeing thousannds of dollars spent over the years on beautiful clothes...watch them go out the door to goodwill. I have no need for them now, I am in a healing mode-I have a NEW story.
Joe took a full truck load of stuff to the dumps and a full truck load to Salvation Army.
It was the end of the day and Salvation Army was going to refuse-we cant take any more today. The manager took a walk around the truck and said OK-last load today-NO MORE! ( he saw there was some good stuff)
As Joe drove away he looked in his rear view mirror and saw 2 workers opening bags, talking excitedly and both piled 2 hats on their heads. They had big smiles.
That made my day.

Condo sold
Only 3 days on the market. The buyer needs in NOW, he is staying at a local hotel. No problem deal done . Sat we pulled out all the staging furnature. Some to Salvation Army and some had been sold. It will most likely close on thursday . Finally that chapter is closed.

Change is hard. In my head I know I am doing the right thing-following the right path. I had to let go of my attachment to "things" - "stuff"-"money". While I had the choice to choose what to keep, many people dont have that option. Think about what it is like to have your house burn down, or a tornado tear your house apart. All of your "family pictures" and of your"stuff" GONE.

I am grateful for all of my family and friends. While I may be the front runner with the torch fighting for my life...I have many around me, staying right there with me.
Love, Suzanne , a cancer survivor; transformed by the challenge

2007-02-11T12:19:00.000-08:00

Wonderful week and feeling stronger ! ! !

Recovery from chemo was REALLY tough. Never again. Each day a little chemo leaves my body I feel better. I no longer have fevers and I AM stronger.

Rod, Lara, Jake and Aaron stayed for a week and it was just what I needed. All of us staying at Joe and Debs house. To be able to hold my new grandson ( 6 weeks old) and see how Jake ( 2 years old) has grown really made my heart BIG. Being all together, helped make me stronger, giving me the will to fight-fight-fight for recovery.
It was a big trip for them with all the suitcases and gear, a small baby and an entergetic toddler. I am so grateful they came out.

I have made my mind up on an alternative cancer treatment. I believe I told all of you about The Moss Report I ordered back in October 2006 . It is 500 pages on only Mixed Mullerian Tumors, written by a cancer researcher. Dr Moss has been doing this for 30 years, he covers every angle on what is offered, from tradition chemo, clinical trials and alternative therapies.
I have read all the material, yet was not sure what I should do. I resolved that by booking a phone consultation directly with Dr Moss. I asked him for his top 5 recommendations of treatment. His #1 recommendation was pancreatic enzine therapy.

I had already been interested in this. I researced and read about a doctor in New York who specializes in this. Many people use this therapy when it is their last hope ( thats where I am) and have excellant results. Dr Moss said there were other professional's who do this therapy, and had reccomendations. I have engaged a naturalpathic doctor who is going to guide me through the process. It will take alot of effort and hours of my day...I can do this!
I am in the process of "moving" to Joe and Debs . That will be where I live. They have a lovely bedroom on the back of the house with french doors that open to a fountain, very peaceful.

Some of the treatments for this is doing a particular type of infra red sauna for 20 min 3 times a day ( Rod and Joe built the sauna this last weekend). Included is organic coffee enemas ( pulls the toxins from my liver and kidneys), those will be at least 3 times a day(takes at least 30 mins). Also taking up to 100 pills a day ( enzines plus suppliments), eating wild salmon, organic eggs, vegtables, nuts and seeds etc.
Each person has there own protocal designed from blood test results.

It all starts with customized blood tests. There are 4. Kaiser will not do these. I am sent kits for each test and I go to a local lab. They will draw my blood and overnite my blood to these various test sites. One test is to measure 7 different cancer tumor markers ( not just the ca 125). This test site is the only one in the world that performs this. Lastly will be a hair test. The doctor says I need to get all the chemo out of my body and also get ride of all the metal toxins and any other bad stuff. I need to get my body healthy so the enzines can work.

I am back at my condo to sort thru "stuff". Think about what is below your bathroom sink...none of that stuff can go. There is room only for essentials. This will take a bit of work.

Also to report is that Carl/ Barry and I have parted ways. I dont want to give you all the details. I feel sad, yet I am OK. I need only P E A C E in my life. I need every bit of my energy toward my healing process.
Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2007-01-29T18:23:00.000-08:00

Communications fm Carl/Barry...

Hi... I am Carl/Barry and I am typing as Suzanne dictates. These are her words. She is just too weak to focus and think about exactly how to make the keyboard work.

==============================

It has been a long time since I kept you up-to-date, reason being this chemo has REALLY taken a toll on me. Each day I seem to get high fevers at various times, must have someone with me now, because I never know when the fever will arrive. So, each day I thought I would get better and would write the next day. Fact is, I have not. My CA125 is at 650. When I had surgery my CA 125 was at 1200.

It all seems to have steadily gone down-hill since my CA125 hit 110. No rebounding, no sense of recovery any day. So, the doctor says "This chemo is not working... we can try another one" and I'm thinking all the while "my clock is ticking". Last Thursday she told me I had 6 - 12 months left. I will not go on chemo. This is no life. I would rather die a natural cancer death with hospice than to endure what these last weeks have been...and for nothing.

So what am I going to do ??

I'll tell you. I am delving into all of my research ... and I am going to find an alternative. The medical doctors are offerring me nothing.

Younger son Rodney & his family will arrive next weekend fm Austin for a week's stay. Before he departs he will help me relocate to Deb & older son Joe's house, to enable my condo to be shown at any time without disturbance.

I guess what I've have learned this week is that doctors cannot (don't?) get personally involved. They have too big a case load... too many people they are seeing. For their own protection, they must remain "outside the loop" and do not become personally involved.

For a few days, I made the mistake of allowing my doctor to direct my thoughts.
I have learned this week that you cannot allow ANY human being to take away your hope.

Love... Suzanne

2007-01-15T08:10:00.000-08:00

Chemo recovery

Last thursday I went in for my 2cd try at Chemo. This time they would try a "sister" to the other chemo. No way...did not work. Same reaction. Only this time they let me rest and gave me another chemo "Gemzar" which my body did allow. After 24 hours I got a fever and hurt, bones hurt, feels like the flu. That lasted for 24 hours all together, so not bad. I stayed at Joe and Debs house. I will go back again this thursday for another treatment. At least I know what to expect.

Carl/Barry and I have been planning a trip to Florida for a Navy reunion for more than a year. So now I am trying to figure out how I can get my treatments and still go. It may be possible to get a treatment here, go to Florida, do the reunion and then go to Kaiser in Georgia. I will be working on that this week.
My iron is very low and they are giving me a bag of iron at each chemo. This type of low is not the type that can be fixed with the good ole iron pill. Now I know why I have felt unusually weak and cold really cold. Yes, even thou it has been cold weather here, I have had to really bundle up with long underwear, and knit caps.

My hair is really short and flat to my head, but it all may be bald in 2 weeks or so. If that happens then I will hit the tanning booth. What I see about bald women is that they loose their hair and their head stays white. It does not have the skin tone the rest of the body does. So I will tan that head and shine it up!
I am STILL in this fight and am STILL researching any cancer cure method that comes my way.
One thing I have learned about Cancer cures, is that everyone who has cancer whants one. So there are plenty of fakers out there with beautiful webs sites and heart felt testimonals. Many times it hard to know whats real and whats not. And maybe a few people have been healed/cured from that method because there are people who are sent home to die, who change nothing about their life and still live.
With love, Suzanne a cancer survivor

2007-01-06T14:58:00.000-08:00

First chapter, getting to Yalapa

I was to leave on Alaska Airlines in SFO in time to arrive in Puerta Vallarta at 3:30pm. Well that didn't happen.

My son, Joe was to meet me in P.V., he forgot exactly what time so got to P.V. airport at 1pm. There he was waiting, looking for his mom. Only info at P.V. was flights going out (remember this is Mexico style!) Who could talk English? Imagine the panic he was experiencing, where was she, what had happened. He called Deb, his wife "did you hear anything? Did mom get on the plane? Finally at 6pm I rolled thru the gate (in a wheel chair, friends if you think you need it-GET IT, so smooth). He was REALLY happy to see me.

We are to take a ferry to Yalapa, a small village 45 min south of P.V. To start, my vision of a ferry is the Sausalito ferry that goes back and forth to SF. WRONG, a ferry in this case is a large size row boat with a motor. Holds about 16 people max.
After a 30 min cab ride to where the ferry dock is...hmm...too late, last ferry left at 5:30pm. So here we are, DARK, crowded streets. no hotel rooms and no ferry... the only way to get there. Joe tells the cab driver, stay here and goes to the dock.

Old guy in charge says, nope there are no private boats, nobody has gas. Joe presses him. I NEED to get there tonight. No way, he says...well it will cost a lot. Joe says how much, old guy says , maybe $300 (thats right, american not mexican-this ride is usually $10 each) Joe says OK-lets do it! Old guy says, Oh I got no one who will. Joe scrambles on down the dock asking every Mexican he sees who looks like he has a boat. Finally one guy says yes, but I have to go get gas. He comes back with his gas-DIVES into the water and swims out to his boat. he brings it to the dock, loads our luggage on top of the wet life vests and Joe and I sit on top of our luggege. Mind you it is pitch black. We hang on as we pound our way thru the rough waters. After 30 mins the boats pulls up to an area that is not Yalapa and driver asks another Mexican "where is Yalapa"? Joe is yelling, "we need to go further". Did I mention this was a boat that usually only goes in circles in the bay pulling people on a bannana board? They have been to Yalapa, but only in the day light.
Finally we arrive and the driver asks "where's the dock?" Hmmm Joe says they usually beach the boat while people climb out. Driver says No Way, not his boat. So we find a dock that was built last year except it was built too high from the water (remember, Nexican style). Joe jumps out of the boat onto a pipe sticking out and pull himself up onto the dock. The Mexicans throw our luggage onto the dock. Now the thrill..,"Mom, jump on the pipe and pull yourself up onto the dock". This is NOT going to happen. As I TRY, I hang onto the pipe and the boat is pulling back and forth, the waves up and down. And can you imagine my son says "Mom you have to-suck it up!!"
My body just can't move like a 35 year old. After many, many tries, they turn the boat around and I climb onto the front and go for it. There I was hanging onto the pipe with my knees on the pipe. Joe gets his arms around under my arm pits and the Mexican drivers grab the seat of my pants and PUSH. I made it. Like a beached whale lying on the dock. We scramble thru the dark rock pathway to the hotel office to pick up our keys. This was a "surreal experience". And if any of you go to Yalapa, it will probably not happen to you. What a way to start! However we were glad-really glad to be there in the safe, calm protection of Yalapa.

2007-01-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

Click...click...click

As I sat at my computer early this AM I heard the girl next store come down her stairs. Annie and I share a common wall. I am in a stacked condo project. Her living room is on top of my office. She also has about at least 40+ stairs from the street to her living room.

I heard her heels hit the floor (hard wood) and down her stairs. What a magical sound it was. I remember the days of the high heels ( for me)and the femine sound they make. Oh, how I loved those days. I never thought those days would end.
So for you gals that can still strut your stuff and click those heels...DO IT.
Love, Suz , a cancer survivor

2007-01-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

Friends...

I am sorry I have left you all hanging. I want so much to share with you the wonderful experiences (and funny!) of Yapla. For those of you who are mothers, the heart felt love of being with my son was spiritual and one of my best experiences. However I just am having a hard time getting my mind organized and strong.

And then...
Today Friday I went for my first chemo treatment at Kaiser. Everything was going well with the anti nausea medication and then they started the chemo (Taxol and carboplation)and I had a strong reaction. Frightening experience. They had warned be that once in a while it happens. A feeling of nasuea and pain in my stomach that I have NEVER experienced. It felt like my throat air way was cutoff, I couldnt breath. They put oxygen on me. After 2 mins (felt like 15) things cleared out.
They sent me home and I slept. I will go back next friday for another type of chemo.
My friend Michelle will be with me ( Carl/Barry is at a trade show)

My CA125 is now 297. In a 2 week period it has gone from 110 to 149 to 297. This is NOT good. The tumor must be stopped from growing.
More to come when I can.
Love Suzanne, I have not lost faith. I am still a cancer survivor.

2007-01-01T08:01:00.000-08:00

Back from Ylappa

Magical, exotic, simple, somewhat primitive. All the basics you need. Healing, peaceful, a surrounding that gave me a full sense of my power and the real person who resides inside this skin. Left me peaceful, hopeful, loving and able to do what is needed to reclaim my health.
There is so much that happened. I will write to you in chapters.

Break new subject...
Ct scan came back with a report that there are 2 spots on my liver and a spot on my pelvis. This is serious. I will start chemo on friday.

My phone calls will be limited. Today monday will be spent quiet. I will cry ( it is GOOD to get it out)and pray.
I still have my ATTITUDE, and I am still in the fight,
Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivior.

2006-12-25T21:05:00.000-08:00

OK...I admit it...

I did loose my ATTITUDE for a few days. If you read my last blog make sure to look at the 2 comments.
1/My daughter in law Deb posted a great article on victim/survivor/attitude.
2/My good friend, Michelle posted me with an upbeat reminder...I lost it for a few days, folks!

This will be my last post until I come back from Mexico.
Love Suzanne...cancer survivor!

2006-12-24T07:29:00.000-08:00

Courageous and strong people also have a weak /feeling lost side to them

I have to admit to you all that the last few days have been emotionally low...really low. While I present myself as up beat and positive ,I am MOST of the time. This journey is hard, really hard. With my right leg swollen and hard to bend and walk, I notice there is pain, a tenderness on my right side groin area. Right side ovary position. I dont know if that is where they cut and stiched part of my colen and it has unraffeled, OR the cancer had come back and grown in that area. Something is going on. The doctor says if/when the cancer comes back it would be in the same area ...which is my LEFT side.
I had a CT scan Friday at 5pm. Technition says results wont be back till probably wed. I will be in Mexico with my son Joe and with out much phone access. And do I really want any bad news when I am down there?...NO I will leave a message for the doctor to call Carl/barry and he can make any arrangements needed.

I also tested my alkline level and it is only at 6 when I need it at 7.5. I have worked so hard at this alkiline diet, I have sacrifice so much to stay on it. It angers me. I dont know what else to do to get it there. That means cancer is winning.

I thought about hidding these feeling from all of you( after all its xmas time). I have gotten such good strokes for the courage I have. And right now, I dont feel like I have any courage. I feel like I am battling a monster that I cant handle, just way too big, too strong, I am being over powered.
Maybe I will look back on this and laugh. It's just there have been so many bumps in the road that right now I am feeling damaged.
So I go thru my paces, on the verge of tears most minutes. Again I am face to face , eye to eye with my mortality. I have so much more I want to do.
I never realized what it REALLY meant when some one says"Sez the day" "dont wait-do it now" Well here I am having so much I want to do and not sure it is going to work out.
Yesterday I was watching people walk. Do you realize what a GIFT it is to walk? Since I can only walk short distance (with pain) I look at walking and say "gees, if I could walk like that again". It is just a given, you get up, you get dressed, you go out walking. What a joy that would be for me.
Appreciate your walking ability, someday it may be altered like mine.
Love Suzanne, wondering if I will be a cancer survivor

2006-12-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

Industrial strength bummer

Monday I found out my CA125 had jumped to 110. Needless to say I was outta my mind. I was steadly doing so well,I was a crying mess that day. Tuesday I saw my oncologist that said, it could have been a mistake, we will rerun it and order a stat CAT scan. She just called this am and said the CA125 is now 149. That means in 4 days it has gome from 110 to 149. The tumor is growing.

The first day I was down for the count, but tuesday I got back on my feet and I am back in the fight.

I will most likely start some chemo, along with some "creative oncology" reccommemed by Pine Street Clinic.

I am w a i t i n g for Pine Street to call back. It is hard, makes me wish I had a pager attached to him. I need my answers now. When my life is at stake , I tend to get a little panicky.
I still am in shock...in my mind I run my life fast forward...how long do I have?
I will write more once I know more. Love, Suzanne STILL a cancer survivor

2006-12-14T12:18:00.000-08:00

Words can pull you up or blast you down

I wrote 2 blogs to day, be sure to read both.

I want to tell you a story about HOW words from another person can give you warm fuzzys.
I was never much of a student in school. In fact my mother had the wisdom to sign me up in the 4/4 program at high school. That meant I went to high school four hours and beauty school four hours each day and all day Sat at beauty school. By the time I graduated from high school I had a beautician license and went to work.

Many years down the road I stopped doing hair (people started making me nuts, no, I wanted the curl here...not here etc). I got involved in "having your colors done" (remember those days?) and I also got invloved with wardrobe planning and mind awareness seminars. I discovered that I wanted to help corporations with HOW their employees dressed, the dress for successs mode. Looooong story short, I ended up getting a job at Macy's SF corporate ,training personal shopper "how to be personal shoppers" and traveling around Northern California doing Dresss for Success Seminars at corporations. ( Wow ! how did I manifest that!) Any way, I was working with all college grads . Every one on the internal office team -regionals etc were all college grads. Many of the personal shoppers were "college grads". I some how had slipped in thru a "back door' to Macy's with out a college education. I always felt inferior about that. While I had the skills I needed to do the job, I had this feeling of not being good enough. AND what if one day they fired me because I did'nt have a college education ( I know better now)My writing skills were not that great. I didnt do a good job with sentance structure. In fact Macy's sent me to take a course ( didnt work).
After Macys I went to Gottschalks Corporate in Fresno and then onto Crown Books Corporate in Washington DC. Still, I always felt inferior about my writing skills. I always tried to avoid having to write a proposal. Or if I did, it was in bullet style.( OK, I know college grads who writing skills suck, but this was how I felt)
Not until now have I recived so many positive comments about my "writing style"
Friends, it FEELS really good !
Today I was emailing with a highschool friend Janis Lynn, now know as Jan Rivers ( lives in Stockton area, her and husband in real estate). At the end of her email she said " you are a good writer"
WOW...makes me feel good all over again. Makes me want to share/write more (maybe thats why I wrote 2 blogs today?)
I write from my heart and throw in my sense of humor. The blog does not have spell check, so I have to be careful and use a dictionary. So if there are snafus, it's cuz I didnt know any better, or didnt catch them like wonderful spell check can do.

Just those few words "you are a good writer" have lifted me up and made my WEEK.What I get is that Jan and you who read my blog enjoy reading it. I really love that!

Jan Rivers has the most beautiful skin ever. She could easily sell skin care, because we would all believe that the creme would make our skin look like her's. She has kept her shape and her looks, she knows how to dress. AND she has stayed sweet and giving in her heart. Her husband sings like a fox. He has even gone to Las Vegas ( and maybe other places) for karaoke competition. They are cute as can be together. At our class reunion he sang out on the dance floor all by himself, and Jan did a soft little sexy dance around him. It was fantastic! I will always remember it.

I hope Jan reads this. She said something (that she thought true) to me and it made me feel good. I said something to Jan (that I thought true) that I hope makes her feel good.
Makes me wonder...what if each of us said something to one other person that could lift them up. Just one line can do it...see what happened to me!
Love from, Suzanne, a cancer survivior

2006-12-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

NEWS FLASH "Girls life wrecked by dead hair"

Just kidding...but lets talk abut this. We women know that if our hair is wrecked, everything else changes. No matter what dress, or what makeup you put on YUCK! You look in the mirror and say "who is that person?" Ever had a bad perm? Zap, you are not the "you" that you know. Ever had a bad hair dye, same thing, Ever had a bad hair cut-yep same thing. Yes, we women all know that hair grows out and "this too shall pass" but come on....It makes us cry. We are very attached to our hair and the image we want to present. When you see a woman with a very dated hair do ( which will probably come back in a few years). You know, like when we backcombed out hair WAY out there and sprayed it solid so it wouldnt move in a wind storm. Oh yes, exactly how I had my hair for my senior ball and senior picture (ha ha). Well the point is , that woman who in 2006 continues to wear that dated hairdo, she is attached to that image, most likely because that was a time in her life when she felt beautiful,HOT,her "best days in the sun".
My point is...we think we are our hair! or we think we are our "image"
When we are so much more that that. Our hair and image is only our superficial packaging. Our hearts are the gift from God we need to share.

Sorry, think I got off on a tanget . Really what I wanted to tell you, friends, was that I said along time back that when my hair started falling out from chemo that I would shave my head. Well, my hair only fell out a little bit week by week. Thru this process I always had "hair" that looked OK...UNTILL NOW, whats left in DEAD. I see that I have some new hair coming in and I have little by little cut some of the stringing ends off. Right now my hair is NOT presentable and I do have a 3 in long patch on my crown and that hair is brittle and just plain dead ( but I need that dead patch). and YES you can see my scalp every where big time!I have enough
growing that I dont want to shave my head and I dont plan on any chemo presently. I plan on my hair growing.
People say what do you do with your day? Sometime I wonder? it takes me at least 2 hours or more to get dressed-ready. I just cannot move at the speed I once had. I cant think at the speed I once had. I can not multi task as I did. It is really one thing at a time. So, mushing my hair around to make it look like "something" takes a while.
Eureka! Last week a found a fake hair piece in a drawer, this has been a life savor. I am able to backcomb (yes, those past skills pay off!) the hell outta my hair( this is why I need that dead patch)
, pin it up, push it around ,spray spray spray,pin the piece on and walla I have "a look"
Also, I am missing some eyelash's(OK , you know whats next!)Yep, I saw a program on TV about how to put on eyelashes. Ok,course I ran out and bought those baby's!
Superficial maybe, part of feeling good is looking good. It makes me feel much better and much stroner and much healthier to look good.

I think I am starting to get my "groove" back..YEAH !!!!

Thanks to all of you who have kept up with my blog. if I dont write , its because I feel I have nothing new to say.
Love, and Happy Holidays, Suzanne a cancer survivor

2006-11-27T19:47:00.000-08:00

News...BIG BIG News

Today I saw Dr Craig Gyory M.D., Orthopedic Surgeon at Kaiser. I was refered By Dr Ewing after he reviewed my recent bone scan. Dr Gyory looked at my scan and did a physical exanimation. He says I am a prime candidate for hip replacement...why did I wait so long? Well, I never knew that was what was wrong with my leg/hip/back. Doctors just kept saying yep you have degeneration and it will probably get worse. No one ever suggested a hip replacement. Those of you who have seen me ,notice how I limp and the pain I have been in. I am in pain ALL THE TIME. It goes from level 5 to 10, some days are better than others for no particlar reason. He is very busy and wont be able to do the surgery for 3 or so months, sooner if there is a cancelation. He says I will be very happy once I heal and am able to walk freely without the 4 prong cane. I guess July06 to July07 is about healing. I pray and look forward for "my life" to be back in order.

I also had a follow up with Dr Ewing. He felt "everything" and said it felt good, no bumps or lumps. We had a heart to heart conversation and he said in time my stress will ease away and confirmned that my cancer is terminal...its only a matter of time.
(and I thought, oh yeah? Watch me)

Funny as I sat in the nurses office waiting for her to weigh me ( I hate that, their scales always say I weight more than my home scale) it seemed like years since I sat there ( it has been 4 months). I looked at the bulliton board and read all the flyers, info on overian cancer, where to buy wigs, support groups ec. I remember how eager I was to read all of it, find out about all of it. And now in 4 months I have experienced all of it. Wig stores, support groups, books and reports on overian cancer, mixed mullerian tumors, clinical trials, chemotherapy, radiation. I really dont give myself credit for the miles of education I have gained.

While being in the hospital again is not something I look forward to, I do feel as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel regarding my hip/leg.back pain.

Today really took all my energy,,,AND ONWARD and UPWARD to my health !
Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2006-11-21T13:11:00.000-08:00

YEAH ! ! ! CA125 is down to 24

Each month I get a blood test, CA125. That test measures tumor growth, or shrinkage. I have gone from 1200( at surgery) to 35, last month 27 and now 24. That is GOOD news.

Break new subject...

Last week I had my appointment with Michael Broffman at the Pine Street Clinic. He was full of information as to "Creative Oncology". He has a ton of resources regarding unusual cancer treatment, info on protocol cancer treatments in Asia. He also has information on supplements and herbs used to fight cancer and the reoccurance of cancer.
One book to read is The China Study, startling implcations for diet, weight loss and long term health. I have ordered it and it will go in my "have to read stack" (which is already getting unmanageable)

I have numerous reports to read from Michael on all these unigue treatments. Some are not available in the US, yet used in other countries successfully. These products can be ordered, if I choose to do that treatment.
He has changed some of the supplemnts I use. I am really happy that there are so many things I CAN DO to get my health back.
One of the supplements I have been taking is tumeric. He says that is good, except he would have me take a stronger formula "super curcumin extract with bioperine formula".
There is another treatment that when taken you smell like garlic, really STRONG garlic. He says it is taken for 30 days and most people would stay in the house. It must really be STRONG. If I need to do that I will!
There is also an informative site www.cancertutor.com. Lots of information on new cutting edge treatments, pills etc. for cancer.
I am feeling OK these days. Dr Stritter (patient advocate) told me 2 weeks ago that cancer hates exercise. So I have started back at the gym ( slowly) and hope to also build my stamana. I find that each day I need a nap. I long for the days that I can go power walking and lift those heavy weights. Funny, when people say enjoy and appreciate every day...I never realized when I was power walking and lifting weights that it could all go away. My hip is better because of this diet and supplements I am taking. Monday I have an appointment with a Kaiser doctor to discuss my hip problem-MAY be suggesting hip replacement. I am not ready for surgery again, too soon I think.
I notice that stress is really hard for me to handle. While I dont want for a stressful life, I would like to be able to tolerate a little more.

Now for the test! Thanksgiving, how do I celebrate with out eating all the "stuff" you usually eat. Remember I am eating only raw food (yes, it is getting tiring). I may have a bite of this or that. I am finding there are social events I dont go to because of my diet, such as a designer dinner with wine parings. Carl/Barry went and said the steak was like butter and the wines were excellant. When I come across situations like this or food I want to eat...I say to my self "you can go an eat and drink OR you can live". I know it seems extreme, well, what I am doing is EXTREME. I am fighting for my life. Remember all the "reports" say I have 6 months to 2 years. I cant wait to prove them all wrong. Some how, as I struggle thru this part of my life I have a sense that I will be helping other women. Dont know how yet, however it will come in due time. My guides (mom, dad, Cora and Zebra) tell me, be patient and take EACH STEP as it comes.
Wishing all of you a joyous Thanksgiving...I know mine will be. Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2006-11-17T10:22:00.000-08:00

Last journey with Dr Rossman

This time we took a trip inside my body to see if it was healing ( I know,I know,seems weird). As I navigated down looking at my heart, upper and lower intestines, reviewing the incision, everything looked good, clean, very healthy. There was one spot on my lower left side where it looked like it had been stiched and it puckered. Possibly it was where they cut 3 to 4 inches to remove cancer from out of my colon .

The guides,were my mom and dad, talking about forgiveness. My parents didnt have a warm and fuzzy relationship. My mom would make my dad wrong, or he just couldnt do it right and my dad avoided by working alot. Example: At 50 my dad starting cleaning his life up got involved with AA . My mom would say "well he use to drink with "those people" in the bar. Now he is in meeting rooms with "those people". She also kept track of the steps he was working on, and he just didnt work the steps correctly. My dad did spend alot of time at AA, where he was accepted for who he was, maybe that was his way of avoiding my mom.

They came to me and both of them said they were wrong and had forgiven each other. They told me that forgiveness is the next step in my development recovering from cancer. As a human I need to work on forgiveness, not for others, but for me. They said it is like a stepping stone walking path, take one step at a time. Also that I am not able to see 6 stones ahead (which, me being the planner, I want to). I can only see the stepping stone I need to work on. One step at a time. I need to complete the forgiveness process. ( I really would like to play leap frog and jump over this process)
I have made my "list" of people I need to forgive and each day I think of others to add to it. My name is at the top. I need to forgive myself for all the wrong decisions and hurtful things I have said. I need to forgive people who have hurt me and on and on.
I was thinking, so HOW do I do this? First, Dr Rossman suggested the book "Forgive for Good". I have started it (its a small paper back) and it is easy reading. The other way for me to forgive is to write each person a letter. A letter that in most cases will not be mailed. The letter to me will probably be pages long. Ever notice how hard we are on ourselves? Or at least I am...ah the strive for perfection.
This is an ongoing project and a KEY to my recovery.

Sorry friends it has taken me so long to post. It just seems that with streching, juicing, preparing raw food, exercise, research reading, naps, meditation and Dr appointments ( last count 7 doctors), well my days fly by. Many days are just the normal schedule and nothing new to report.

I do have more to tell you and will try to get it together soon. Its about my appointment at "The Pine Street Clinic" in San Anselmo. Really informative. Last month or so on the news I heard about dogs who could smell peoples breath and tell if they had cancer. This would be in the VERY early stages before it could be detected by western medicine. These dogs are at the clinic. Michael Brossman said that they respond differntly for various forms of cancer. The dog would sniff and then lay down, or put up a paw etc. The dogs reaction would demonstrate what type of cancer was there. They are not ALWAYS correct, but wouldnt that be helpful in heading off the cancer? YES!
More to come...Love, Suzanne a cancer survivor.

2006-11-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

Is this my imagination at work?

My 2cd "trip" with Dr Rossman was easier than my 1st. I relaxed and was ready for my next learning lesson. In this session I would discover a boss I had, her name is Cora. I worked at her beauty salon. She was a great spirited lady who was older than most of us and she loved to throw parties at her weekend house at the delta.
Here she was by my side, here to help me heal. Cora is a wise spirit. She says I need to be open to all ideas-in the spirit and earthly word to heal my cancer. I also must do due dillegence before I chase down the road of new treatments.

Also a zebra appeared on my left side ( I know goofy!). I have had the zebra come to me in dreams before. The zebra is about contradictions, the dark brown and white stripes. Should I do chemo or should I do holistic? The zebra says-pick one and follow it.
Dr Rossman says is your father there? No, however I did ask him to come and in a nano secound he was there. He told me to listen to what Cora had to say.
OK, so at the very end of my session I was given an assignment from Cora and my dad.
This assignment is hard, not something I really wanted to do. Am I capable of doing it, yes. Will I do it, yes.
The assignment is to list everyone I need to forgive. This is not just "BIG DEAL" forgivness, but any one I might have a smidgin (is that a word?) of anger toward. Geez's there is not enough paper in the world for this.
Cora and dad told me the forgivness is not something I have to do for the people I need to forgive. It is for ME. I carry the burden. They said I need to lift the load I carry, by listing and forgiving. And my dad said to start with my brothers...UGH !!! I wont go into the long story about them. I feel as if they were raised by a different family. They are both so different than me ( or I am different than them). One could easily have passed on, he was into drugs. The other was a VERY difficult personality. Both college graduates, yet lived uneducated lives ( one is proffessional paper boy). I have no contact with them and really dont want to open a can of worms by calling/writing to tell them I forgive them.
So I will do it for ME in a way that works for ME.
The first name on the list is Suzanne. I have so much that I need to forgive myself for.
This is a heavy duty assignment for me, however it must be done.
Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2006-11-03T18:23:00.000-08:00

TOOOOOOO Busy!
I will report on my appointment with Dr Rossman on Sunday. I have so many loose ends to tie up. Sat Carl/Barry and I are going to a special event at Skywalker sound. The event is "Behind the Sounds, Behind the Scenes...A Morning at Skywalker Sound"
That should be fun and educational. I will tell you all about that too! love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2006-10-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

W A Y...out there
Tonight I am reporting to you a VERY unigue experience. I can only tell you how I felt and what I saw (in my mind) happen. It is as clear as could be. Even for me who can be a litte crazy out there as they say...this was W A Y out there.

Some of you will read this and say "wow". Some of you will say she has lost it. Some of you will say it is nonsense. It is OK what ever your response is.

Today I had my appointment with Dr Martin Rossman, the doctor who was to help me with my fear. Even thou I feel as if I am doing the right thing regarding my treatment, there are times that my mind takes over and says "but what if your wrong". Dr Sritter (the advocate)suggested I see Dr Rossman for help with my fear.

Dr Rossman would lead me into an "ineractive visualization".
We started by getting me relaxed. I had my eyes shut and he directed me to focus on different parts of my body. My mind did not want to stop talking or relax. I remember thinking " I'm not that relaxed". Then he asked me to go to my private place. This is a place that maybe I had been to before, or a place that I had created in my mind. It is a peaceful and safe place. That was fairly easy because I had created this place a few months back when I started meditating with Bernie Siegel.At that point my mind clicked in. Was I hypnotized, was I in a trance?

As soon as I was there, content and relaxed...my father appeared ( I know, I know ,it was hard for me to accept-freaky). I knew he was there before Dr Rossman asked me to do anything else.
I told Dr Rossman " my father is here". At this point I am crying and almost speechless ( yes, me speechless). Dr Rossman asked me to describe him. He asked me how was my dad acting. Well, my dad (and I am SURE it was his spirit) was very tender, compassionate, caring. Not how I remember him. Dont get me wrong, my dad was a great guy. He was the bread winner, the salesman, but not the nurturer, that was my moms role.
I asked why he was so different and he said that many things have happened to him and he is here to help me with my healing. He is here to help me, guide me, and I felt he had such knowledge and gentleness. He said I needed to calm down and not worry. I was on the right track with my healing and in good hands. He also said that he has been and will be sending people to help me. I need to take one step at a time. I told him," but I am a planner and I like to know the step AND the next step".
He said it takes time to set things up sometimes and I need to be patient. He also said that this healing experience is going to lead me to another part of my life.

It is hard to tell you every little detail. I can tell you I am drained-really drained by the experience. It was overwelmning, emotional, exciting. I felt like I was in a daze, or in shock when I left. In closing he told me that he was here and with me most of my days. That I can talk to him and get confidence of my healing, he wont let me down.
I love my dad and miss him. It was a shocking and overwelmning experience( I think I said that a bunch of times now!) It was NOT at all what I had expected.

My next appointment is Tuesday. I am excited and nervous as to what might happen on that day.
Love, Suzanne , a cancer survivor

2006-10-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

FINALLY...
I found a doctor who says , yes, he does know of people who have won the battle of cancer without chemo. He is Dr Martin Rossman M.D.. He wrote a few books, one is" Fighting Cancer from Within". How to use the power of your mind for healing.
I had an appointment with him yesterday. Doctor Stritter thought I should see him. I do have an ongoing battle with my mind regarding kicking this cancer. In my quietest moments I feel I am on the right track, however all it takes is a 'doctor" from Kaiser saying that it probably isnt a good idea to go without chemo.
My mind will talk to me and say, all this natural holistic stuff sounds good , feels good, but what if your WRONG. Geez's it sends me into a whirl. I worry, and worry some more. Even knowing realisticly that worry is not going to help. It will create stress and make it worse.
So what he does is "Interactive Visualation". That means he will get me relaxed and talk to me, guied me thru some processes. Many people with cancer and other problems have gone to him with much success. While it sounds a little airey fairy, or "out there", it makes sense to me and Carl/Barry agrees. I go back on thursday @ 11am, it takes about an hour. I will report back what it was like. I have his book and I need to read a few chapters (homework) before I go. I also have his CD, but fell asleep last night while listening. Stay tuned, Love, Suzanne , a cancer survivor

2006-10-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

WHOOOOOOOOPEE-WOW-YEAH and all that other good stuff!!!

Found out today that my CA125 (tumor marker) came down in the last 2 months from 35 to 27. That is great great news. My fear...was that it would be higher and I would relook at what I am doing to manage my care. I am on an extreme (for me) diet. Raw vegtables 80% and barely cooked 20%. Juicing in between. I have read so many books on curing cancer with nutrition that it appears it DOES WORK. I have read MANY case studies that SHOW how it worked. It is a little scary because I was brought up on western medicine. Its not right to go against your doctor etc. This curing of cancer by food is still very underground and questioned and critized by doctors.

My doctor thinks it is coming down because of the chemo I did a few months back. Maybe...who knows?

I am so excited I could open up a bottle of champagne...except I do not eat/drink sugar anymore.
For those of you who don't know-sugar FUELS tumors. That is huge!
I am happy happy and cant wait till next month when I do another CA125 test.
Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2006-10-17T15:46:00.000-07:00

Doing OK, I have a request of you...

Many of you are praying for me. I thank you. I want to ask you to do something else along with praying. See me HEALTHY, in your mind see me healthy as can be. Healthy like I was last year. You could also share in my visulation, and that is see me healthy, up on a stage saying " Hi, I am Suzanne Robles and I am a cancer survivor"
Picture what the room looks like, what I am wearing (please be tasteful-ha ha). The more details the better.
Love, Suzanne a cancer survivor

2006-10-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

Doctors report on bone scan

Doctor Ewing reports that the bone scan showed degeneration and NO tumors. Yeah!!
He has sent a note to Kaiser Pleasanton for a bone specialist to consult with me. He said a way to fix my problems would most likely be hip surgery. I told him I was not ready for any more surgery. He said it was probably too soon also.
So I continue to struggle to walk. And worry about the trips Barry and I plan to go on. How will I enjoy myself and not hold Barry back because I can't walk the town ( as we usually did). Pray for a miracle! Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2006-10-14T17:29:00.000-07:00

Feeling better...
Nothing much to report, but my leg is feeling better. I still have a very hard time walking. Michelle and I went to Cosco today and I rode in one of the carts they have for handicap folks. I guess right now I am handicap(cant walk a few blocks).
Monday I should have the results from the bone scan. I will be sure and reprt that to all of you. love, Suzanne. a cancer survivor

2006-10-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

A REALLY bad day...
My left leg and left hip was in extreme pain this AM ( and still is). More than any other day. The pain is in the hipflexer and quad area. I had to leave at 7am for my bone scan appointment in Walnut Creek.
The Honda is a stick shift, I had to use my right had to lift my left leg to hit the clutch...very painful and sure not safe. I HAD to go.
It took me 20 min with a 4 prong cane to walk from the parking garage to the Hospital basement.
When the appointment was made 2 weeks ago I thought no problem. I'll go at 8AM for my shot then shop around downtown Walnut Creek, come back at 11am for the scan, no problem. Instead I sat in the waiting room for 3 hours.
I know, I know some of you are saying "why didnt Suzanne ask for a ride?" Because I had no idea my left leg would be so paralyzed.

Dr Stritter
Wed eve I had the phone consult with Dr Stritter the patient advocate. Barry/Carl was on the call with me. She had many helpful suggestions.
1. I must have a CA125 test each month
2. Try a different doctor at Kaiser Walnut Creek (she gave me a name)
3. Get a phone consult with Harvard or Anderson (both are cancer specialist) regarding using estrogen therapy for treatments instead of chemo. They have recently done these treatments.
4. Go to a specialist for "Inner Active guided Imagery" ( I have a lot of fear)
5. She says its possible to try 10 different things with each working on the cancer/tumor 10%. Meaning 10% X 10 = 100%
6. My tumor from surgery is in a vault at Kaiser. Ask Dr Kaufman( or new doctor) to retrieve it and have it analyzed to see what type of chemo etc would be effective. Cost $800.
7. Melatonion is good for cancer patients. Start with low dose and work up to as much as 20 mg.

I am sure there is more she said, thats all I can get off my notes.
This journey is a rough ride. Each day seems to being something new to challange. One day I'm up next day I'm down.

Tonight I will do nothing, really NOTHING.
If you call I cant return the call till my phone gets fixed. Long story, please contact me by email.
And I look forward to a better day on Friday. My friend Kate is coming to visit and she is always upbeat and fun!
Love, Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2006-10-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

And away we go...GOOD NEWS!

Dr Kaufman at Kaiser reports that my latest CT scan shows NO GROWTH of tumor. Now that is good news! However, it does not mean I dont have cancer. I still do and my body may always have it. It is a matter of keeping it under control.

Wednesday after noon I have my consultation with Dr Stritter, the advocate. I am hoping that in all the local Kaiser's there must be ONE doctor who thinks like I want him/her to think. I want a doctor to tell me there is HOPE, and that they have SEEN miracles and if I am ready to fight hard, they are right there with me.
I was thinking about the cost and time to travel to any of these Cancer Centers. There are Kaisers in Fremont, San Jose, Richmond, Martinez, Oakland and maybe more. I am paying for this insurance, why shouldnt I get what I need?

I know I have been telling you about the research I have been doing. Much of it is in the way of nutrition. Many of you know I have been a healthy eater, chomping on carrot sticks and salads all the time. Yet I am learning so much more about being HEALTHY...instead of "thin".
I have embraced the Cancer Battle Plan and THE PH Miracle. I start out with juicing ( for days!!)and supplements. Did I say, juicing and more juicing and MORE juicing ( that is to get the build up of bad stuff OUT). Eight times a day, that really keeps me busy. And keeping enough vegtables, you really go thru a lot! AND then there is the coffee enemas ( ok, I wont elaborate on that one!)It helps take toxic out of your liver.
It really is time consumning. The first day so far is the hardest. Today is my secound day and I am feeling Ok. I also am still taking the products from Oasis that boost you up. It gives me cell regeneration, supports my immune system nd powerful antioxidant protection. The idea of The PH Miracle is : if a fish was sick in the fish bowl, would you keep giving the fish pills/medicine to kill the sickness OR would you keep changing the water and having the fish in clean water. I hope that makes sense.
The PH Miracle is about balance of the alkaline and acid in your blood. Mostly raw vegatbles (80) and cooked veg (20). You eat nothing that has a face on it. That means giving up my BBQ steaks, wine and all those other good things. To lick this cancer I am willing. I must make radical changes in my life.
By the way, Barry has decided to try it out also. That support makes it so much more doable.
Ther are 3 things I want to heal and in this order. Cancer, left hip problem and regain my smell and taste.
On thursday I have a bone scan for my left hip. I have had trouble with my hip for a few years and recently it has gotten so bad that I cant walk very far, cant do my power walkiing that I so enjoy. Xray shows it is probably degenerative, but it is close to my left ovary , so Dr Ewing had ordered the test to be safe. They will give me a shot of "something" and I come back 3 hours later for the test. It must ulluminate my bones.
Sandy Molinari ( my friend who got me started on Oasis products) passed some info along that I would like to share.
In a book written by David Riccos ( 5 things we can not change) he defines a heroe.

Some one who has lived thru pain; been transformned by it and uses it to help others.

Many of you are hereos, and I want to be a heroe too.

Love, Suzanne a cancer survivor

2006-10-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

WHY am I like this???

I am wanting to see Dr Stritter the advocate who will help me find the right doctor and right system to help me with a plan. You send all your info and a $300 check, they call you and set an appointment. They called thursday and told me Nov 15 is the first date available. I am bummned out-I WANT IT NOW !!! I am not good a waiting. And especially about some thing like this. I mean really, this is MY LIFE it's not like waiting for a massage or a facial. Geez's this makes me tense and I am suppose to RELAX. The office says I can be on a wait list, OK I will do that. But really, by the time you are wanting a person like this to help you... who would cancel? No one. Thats how I feel, after all this time of doctor snafu's who would cancel? I had no hopes. OR I could get an accelerated appointment, done after hours at a cost of $900. I must say I thought about it , and Barry brought me back to reality. We or should I say he has spent so much cash money so far on this learning journey.The office confirmned that it is very unusual for someone to cancel. So, I will wait.

And then at 4;40pm today the office called and some one cancelled. My appointment is Oct 11 at 4pm. I am sooooo happy.

So why am I like this? Why couldnt I have said, ok thats when the appointment is and let it go. Why cant I let it stay in Gods hands?
I'll tell you why...because I am a race horse and have been most of my life. Many things would not have happened for me if I hadnt hustled, or thought ,thought and thought about HOW to make it happen.
This is something I need to work on. No matter how I thought about this, it would not have given me an earlier date.
I guess I am STILL a nut case and will need to continue to work on "let go and let God.
Stay tuned.
With love, Suzanne a cancer survivor.

2006-10-05T22:31:00.000-07:00

Ligtbulbs going off

Hi friends, oh so dear friends, how I value your love, support and williness to stand by to help at any moment. I appreciate your phone calls, just hearing your voices fills me up.

My life has been consumned with my determination to find the right doctor, right method of healing.

There is a Dr Ralph Moss ( see him online) who has researched disease for 30 years. He presents every possible viewpoint of that disease and what is offered. Could be doctors, natural, etc. It covers it all. The report on Mixed Mullerian Cancer is 450 pages and costs $300.
I researched him and thought long and hard before ordering. Wow, what a reort this is. He tells it all, cancer trials that failed yet were promoted as winners. How chemo may destroy the cancer, but there is no extra life span because the body is so damaged. There is plenty of stuff that makes you mistrust western medicine. Such as, did you know some doctors are paid xxx of dollars to get people to participate clinical trials. There is also really good stuff about western medicine. However I dont think the western medicine love him for pulling back the covers.
With 450 pages, I am only on 150. It is very heavy reading. I can only read so much at a time.
I am also researching how the body runs under alkiline conditions. Meaning if the body is too acid, it cant be healthy and would have a hard time healing. It is called the PH Miracle diet (see it online). It is quite extreme, however I am looking at it, or willing to trying most of it.
Tonight I watched Spontaneous Healing br Dr Andrew Weil. His words confirmned my thinking. He talks about what it takes to heal. He lists 7 things he has seen from his patients who healed.
1. Did not take NO for an answer ( became a difficult patient)
2. Actively sought out info-took charge
3. Sought out other people who have been healed.
4. Formned constructive partnerships with health professionals
5. Did not hesitate to make radical changes in their life
6. Look back regarding disease as a gift ( forced into a new way of living)
7. Cultivated attitude of self acceptance ( letting go of the fight)

These are all things I am working on.

I have done alot of things in my life. Such as, I said I am going to do THAT. Yet, I didnt know HOW I was going to do it. Step by step it all happened.

Onward and upward.

Love, Suzanne a cancer survivor

2006-10-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhh, I had the time of my life!

Sat Sept 30, my sons, daughters in law, Barry/Carl and close friends threw a suprise 60th birthday party...And what a party it was! 120 friends and family.

ME the one that nothing gets by. ME the one who has an intuitive gut...never had a clue. Now I know my family and friends CAN keep a secret.

It was held at a rustic winery in Livermore with a huge barn. There was BBQ chicken, pork, ceaser salad...plenty of wine and beer and oh, the beautiful cakes.
Did I mention 2 bands? Yes, me a dancing queen was dancing all night along with all the other dancing queens in the barn. Some how this hurt hip that does not allow me to walk far and has an obvious limp lets me dance myself silly!

THANK YOU to all of you who came and made this such a joyous occasion.

My friend Jolene was a sneaky shil along with Barry/Carl in getting me there. Jolene has recently moved to Colorado and was here to visit friends and she came to my house for a visit sat afternoon. She says there is this brand new BBQ resturant in Livermore and my friend Tom and I are going to take you and Barry/Carl tonight. When Barry/Carl got home, he said Yeah, I LOVE BBQ lets go. Jolene says everyone dresses in cowboy hats and I know you have cowboy boots.
A way we go, Jolene driving with me, Barry/Carl in the back seat, we will meet Tom there.
As we drove in the country roads of Livermore, I thought--this resturant will never make it, way too far out to draw a crowd. We couldnt fnd the address and drove up off the road to ask at the nearest country house " Where was this BBQ place"". As we went up the driveway to the house I saw a dog and a large man standing in front of his house. I thought , he's going to tell us to get OFF his property.
Then Jolene says, "oh thats Tom". We make the easy curve to the right in the driveway and here are people tons of people. I say out loud-"I know some of these people...What, these are my friends???!!! WHAT is going on here???? Some one pulls the door open and they are saying Happy Birthday !!! I am in shock, really good shock, and I am crying.
So many off you worked your fanny off to make this a success. The event was seamless. When it was time to dance-tables cleared, folded and dissapeared. It was like that all night.

Everyone should have a suprise birthady party-EVERYONE. It is an overwelming feeling of happiness and love. I saw friends I have not seen for years and years.

Sunday a brunch at Joe and Deb's house with Rod, Lara and Jake ( all the way from Texas), family, Barry/Carl. Michelle and Jolene. Another great day!
Love Suzanne, a cancer survivor

2006-09-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

Who to believe...Who to trust...There are no magic bullets

I went to see the Dr Kaufman the oncologist at Walnut Creek Kaiser yesterday. He spent an hour explaining to me the type of cancer I have. He printed out some studies done and also the National Comprehensive Cancer Network clinical presentation on Mixed mullerian tumor. By the way, I do not have sarcoma (based on Dr Kaufman) as previously printed in my doctors notes. It is Carinosarcoma. Dr says it is much differnt than sarcoma. So all this researching and I was misdirected. He has a CT scan scheduled for weds night.
I cant grind over the time wasted, although there is frustration there.

There are not a lot of people who get this type of cancer. In one of the reports , they gathered info over 6 years with a TOTAL of 31 cases. This was not at one location. They organized the information thru a tumor registry. This is 31 people in the US over a 6 year period , it is not alot to study. I dont want to go into the details (too lengthy),some had surgery, some received chemo, some didnt make it to chemo, overall it has a poor prognosis. This I know, yet each time I hear it, it sets me back and makes my cry.

At this point I WANT the magic bullet-someone must have it.

Yet, I can only seek for myself, there is so much reading/researching/contacting people to do.

Do I listen to this Dr or that Dr or that health gruru? It makes my head spin.

I have learned, if I am not CRYSTAL CLEAR, I make no moves or commitments. That means I AM OFF CHEMO.

I am praying for Gods direction. Please pray along with me.

In the meantime I have found a docor who has a research and advocacy based practice. She does not give any treatments, but will help me to find, receive and refine treatments. She does not replace my physician, but act as a supplementary source. I am interested. I need a knowledgeable partner with a wide spectrim of contacts-doctors,nutrition,etc.

I have plenty of reading to do. I also must have the house clean and show ready each day...realestate agents have called to show the condo. It is difficult for me to get up and get moving in the morning. My left side/hip has kicked into painful action and I have a really hard time moving. I had an xray and it shows arthritis and degeneration-HOWEVER can not rule out cancer because of where it is located. I am scheduled for a bone scan ( to see if there is cancer).

I wish there was a hideway/retreat that I could go to , that would wash away all the breakdowns in my body.

For those of you who have called. I appreciate you caring and wanting to know. I just cant deal with the phone and repeating "the story"'

I have not forgot and dont you forget.

My name is Suzanne Robles and I am a cancer survivor.

2006-09-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

At 4:30 pm thursday I am still in my bathrobe, trying to be strong, yet really sad.
I cant write too much right now, because I dont have a grip on what to say. I am a blubering emotional mess.( Don't worry-I'LL be back!)

Yesterday, wednesday was a loooong day.

Tuesday Barry and I drove down south to go to the appointment on weds at the Sarcoma Institue. It was a beautiful drive on hwy 1 and a comfortable hotel.

Briefly, the news is that the doctor (we so trusted) was giving me one half the dose that my body weight should have had (based on the institute). They didnt understand why he did this, yet didnt want to make another doctor wrong. They also said it is out of the question for me to have started chemo with out a ct scan. HOW will anyone know if the chemo is working without the ct base line.
The only way to treat me would be for Kaiser to supply the chemo med and me to travel a few times a month to Santa Monica. The clinical trials are funded by pharmacy companies, however most people have insurance to bill (such as Blue Cross).
The also faxed a reccomendation to the Kaiser oncologist in Walnut Creek .
I am/was so ready to run to this Kaiser Oncologist and have him do the chemo, just the way the sarcoma institute says.
Then I thought...how do i know...how do I trust...I need to regroup.
Today I put calls out to Stanford and UCSF to fine out what they know abou sarcoma.
I called the kaiser pharmacist, Henery, to tell him that I would not need the chemo med. He told me that if I find a clinical trial that kaiser does not offer-KAISER will have to pay for it. No one at kaiser has told me this before. I also found out there is a woman who will research "the case" and tell me what is available. At this point it sounds resonable. Thats all I can say for now.
Knowing ME, I know I take a day down and then I come back. See me Friday

2006-09-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

WITH TEARS

Of happiness and joy. Tonight, Monday , I had a healing, with the women I love , support and have history. A friend, Clare who I met when I was a fashion maven at Macy's was the leader of my community healing. All faiths and beliefs united under one community umbrella for the good of Suzanne. For those who dont know, in my past I had a wonderful job training personal shoppers (how to be personal shoppers). And traveling northern california doing "dress for success" seminars for corporations representing macy's. Clare at that time was the personal shopper for men. She has always been involved in womens studies. After all these years she has evolved. Now she makes beautiful jewerly, sold at stores that most of us cant afford. (like $10,000 for a bracelet) Clare has continued her development in womens studies.

She held a healing session for me and I invited some of my loooong time women friends to participate ( 6 plus Clare and myself attended). My daughter's in law sent their wishes and prayers, which Clare read and relayed to the group. Powerful...can you get it? So many families have such hostilities in their relationships, and I only have love, support and respect from my daughter's in law. How lucky I am that my sons were drawn to these women.

My long time friend Michelle ( who did the research for clinical trials) could not attend and sent a wonderful positive note that Clare read.

What a powerful evening it was. To have these women who I feel strongly about telling me their feelings and thoughts about me. Some of these relationships go back over 40 years...as the wise folks say "they showed up for me".

Clare talked about how we develop as women, from babies into puberty into birthing our own babies into...our development as "real" woman...and on and on.

I feel so lucky to have 2 sons who love and respect me, who are close to me. The sons who I gave birth to and I have led them into the life they have. So grand.

I was acknowleged for my intuitive nature, something I have always known, however I thought everyone else had it also.

At some point, I was on a futon in the middle of the room, with each women kneeling around me. Clare brought a dish of pearls and each person selected one, held my hand and read a prayer, or said good things about me. These pearls will be made into a healing bracelet that I will wear all the way thru chemo. A memento/a reminder of the women who love and support me and my healing. Very powerful, giving me the strengh to heal on...to fight on. I must remember, Suzanne must carry the tourch for Suzanne. I MUST be the leader. If I become weak or fall, I do have back up who will carry on for me until I regain my strength. Truth be known, I have discoverd hundreds of people who will HELP me carry on.
This was a pivital night. A time that strengthened me.

Tuesday, Barry and I will drive to Santa monica for a Weds interview with the Sarcoma Institute. We will discuss what they have to offer and if this clinical trial is for me. I will need to make a decision by friday. What will I do, the cliical trial (which I understand is a pill and FDA approved)or continue with chemo in Monterey. I will rely upon my intuitive nature and the higher power for that direction. I need not worry-It will be clear.

I do believe, I will be on stage somewhere saying "my name is Suzanne Robles, and I am a cancer survivor...how this fits or works out I dont know. It will unfold.

Thank you to my friends: Anita (40+ years) Georgianne (5/6 years) Jackie (2 years) Denise (7/8 years) Kate ( 20+ years) MJ (36+ years) and Clare (20+years) This evening meant alot to me. I love all of you.
As Anita said tonight "men may pat your ass, however women will cover your ass!)...Looooove it!
I will not have internet access for a few days. I will keep you posted regarding the trials and my decision. Love, Suzanne =

2006-09-20T16:14:00.000-07:00

Pleassse...enough recooperation!

Days at Tahoe were fairly peaceful. I love being surrounded by towering pines with plump blue jays flitting from tree to tree.

Here at beautiful tahoe my siatica/left hip side has flared up. I can hardly walk around the house. I am mostly housebound... just "hanging out". We had a few couples over. Carl/Barry has a knack at entertaining and making folks feel welcomned. Hmmm... We also do not have TV reception. I would be by myself during the day while they played golf, I had OLD videos...I have read and read...I am read out. I am ready to GET OUT back to Dublin.

Running dialog:
I have this running dialog in my head regarding "how Suzanne is changing from this earth shattering/death defiance experience"
Something has happened...an Innerpeace. I feel relaxed, content, centered. It feels to me that I feel the "good stuff" in magnitude and the "bad/negative stuff" feels like it is muffled.
There is an innerpeace that wont let me go to the drama...AAAHHH...relief.

On another note:
Kaiser is now not willing to do blood test, CT scan, epo shots at Dr Rubins pace of request. Dr Rubin has requested a ct scan. I have had 10 chemo treatments. Lets at least get a bench mark to see if this chemo is working.
Kaiser says a CT scan is ordered when chemo is thru, HELLO..They dont know much about the type of cancer I have, they are "trying" this type of chemo. Chemo could go on for years.

With respectful pressing (when I wanted to rip his face off)to my Kaiser doctor, he said OK maybe at the end of Oactober. I am researching where I can get it done at my cost (if doable). I just wont let myself get all worked up about it, oh, the injustice of kaiser...I just dont go there.

I see it in my head when I rest.
Somehow, somewhere, through some navigation...I see myself on a stage saying... "Good morning, I'm Suzanne Robles and I am a cancer survivor. I am excited to ............. thats how it runs and runs in my mind. Looks exciting and fun. Ya never know whats around that corner. Stay tuned. Love, Suzanne

2006-09-15T20:22:00.000-07:00

I STILL HAVE MY HAIR...!!!

After 5 days I still do have my hair, although it is pretty thin. I am presentable and no wig needed YET.

I am feeling tired, yet OK. My attitude is upbeat, happy and positive.

I will be off chemo for 2 weeks to let my body heal and get stronger for the next rounds, starting Oct 2. I will be able to get a good nights sleep tonight.

Sat AM Barry and I will go to Incline to recuperate, nothing like the smell of pine trees, lying around and looking at beautiful Lake Tahoe.

Dr Rubin looked into the clinical trial that my friend Michelle found. He talked to Vicki, the person on charge of the sarcoma treatment center. She says next step is to get my blood work done, CT scan, and schedule an appointment with them in Santa Monica-WHOA!!! That means in the next 2 weeks. I need to see them before my 3rd round of chemo.
Dr Rubin says that the CT scan may show us that what we are doing is working (don't fix it if it's not broken I say). So what I am going to do is set the appointment up. Get all the paper work, copy of test, etc in order- BE READY. If the CT scan shows I am improving I can make my decision. I may not need this clinical trial (maybe my mind is STRONGER than I thought-yipee!)
Dr Rubin has seen alot of folks with cancer and he says "you look really good physically, you are clear, bright eyed and I think this chemo is working".

I have been reading about the natural health side of being healthy. It appears that all of us can improve from juicing (my kids say, mom you bought another juicer?-yes I have tried it a few times) Barry and I both have have juicers and use it some times. We also wig out at the set up/clean up. I can see that the force of all the nutrients for so many fruits and vegtables are necessary.

Also I have a friend who sells this neat product to boost your body up. She just went through breast cancer chemo (survivor). The doctor told my friend she has never seen anyone come thru sooo strong and will tell her patients about these products. They are by a company named Oasis. I take metagreens first thing in the AM, then Ageless Essentials (super food) Ageless (energy) and Aloe Gold (dietary supplement) I AM ON IT as they say ( I only take these when off chemo, directed by Dr Rubin) If you are interested about these just e-mail me and I will put you in touch with "my connection". Please dont send me info about all the products you know about, I appreciate what you have to say, however I have researched and this is how I am going.
Friday the 22cd I will go to my looooong time hairdresser (20 years maybe?) and have her trim and shape my wig. Only you guys will know it is a wig! (if I can keep it on my head). It is so right onto my haircolor.

Condo is looking good, they took a few pieces of furniture out to open it up-looks better for showing. Open house Sunday, real estate folks took a look on Thursday and Friday. I hope we get an offer. We priced it low, below others in the complex to sell fast. If it does sell...I will get a company to put a big storage box out front and pack it in. They can put it in a storage center and I will stay with Barry, Joe and Deb and maybe a few of you until we find a place in Walnut Creek.
Things seem to be moving FAST, however I am relaxed and not stressed-cannot afford to have any of that.See a virtual tour and pictures of my condo @ www.BayhillTeam.com
Address if needed 4353 Brannigan Street, Dublin Ca 94568

Thank you Kate, Rita, Michelle, and Deb for leaving a message on my blog, it makes me know people are reading it. Love, Suzanne

2006-09-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

Tuesday's report
Mondays treatmenr went fine. EXCEPT Kaiser did
not give me all the medicine I needed. Dr Rubins office got the medicine from another oncologist. The office worked out all the details with Kaiser. As of today-no worries.
I talked with Dr Rubin about how smooth everything is going. At the end of these 5 days I will have a series of test performned by Kaiser. That will tell us if this type of treatment is working.
On another note. I had my friend, MIchelle research clinical tries avaiable for my type of canter. She found one that looked prommising in Santa Montica. Dr Rubin got more information of the program and how it works. He says it looks really good and asked me if I wanted him to contact the doctor directly. YES! I said. I would go for the evualation appointment and that did not mean I would have to do it. This is only research.
I am also looking into a natural way with out chemo.
All of this is alot to read, digest, think about and choose what is best for me...doing it my way!
Late last night around 2am I got really really sick. I dont know if it was the food or the chemo. Barry did not get sick. But this AM I was feeling OK. Tonight will be the test.
Barry had to leave to attend some important meeting and I was lucky to get my friend Georgianne to come pick me up and fill in for him.
We also went shopping for a wig and we were able to find one. I am relieved to know I have hair back up.
My CA125 went from 170 to 35 wich is great. That only tells me that the tumors arent growing, that does not mean the cancer is not growing.
I am told I will always have cancer, I will always have to watch it and manager it.

ALSO, put my condo up for sale , this weekend will be open house. This company brought in a "stager" monday to review and wensday she will move things around. YIKES! it is going so fast. The housing market is falling and this is the time to get out.Love Suzanne

2006-09-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

Hair by Hair

Well...it has started. My hair is falling out.UGH! These last few days when I touch my hair a few strands come out. Now this is EVERY TIME I touch it. I was AFRAID to wash my hair this AM...would the drain be plugged WITH MY HAIR?

I thought loosing my hair would be no big deal. Right now it feels like a big deal. Oh, I have already deceided I will shave my head. I didnt think it would happen so soon.

Saturday I went wig shopping. WARNING: do not do this alone. While everyone was helpful, it is hard to see yourself. You need to have someone you trust, who knows you well. Who will say-no way-get it off. There were people saying "Honey, that looks great" way too many times. AND when I look in the mirror, I think who is that person-it is so not me.I see WIG WIG WIG. I hate it when you look at someone and it screams wig, just like when a man wears a toupee.
I see that darker hair looks more realistic( I want my wig to look close to my natural color). The wigs for me were either too blond, or too red. Beside all the trying on and looking in the mirror, there is all that stuff going on in my head. I still have some deniel going on . Sometimes I think "CANCER I have cancer?" It is a real balancing act to keep THE FEAR out of my head.

Sooo, I didnt buy/order a wig I thought I needed to think about it. Yes, and here I am Sunday AM worried that I will only have a few strings of hair(and NO WIG to save me). Barry and I are going to a brunch at a friends house with about 20 people attending . I want to continue to look good thru this journey. Hell, why cant I look GREAT? Thats what I want to do.
The cost of a wig? Whoa...the less expensive ones , such a Rachel Welch etc are about $50 and under-however the hair in the front is funky and they really dont look that good. Most of the ones that look good are around $250. The real hair wigs are $800.
The Cancer Center has free wigs, used wigs etc. Last week a few of us from the Ovarian Cancer support group went to try on these wigs. There was nothing there for me that was right. Most of them looked totally forced.
Am I too vain? Probably...I like taking care of myself and doing all that I can do to look my best.
I am thinking after the brunch Barry and I can find a wig store open today (small chance). I think he could help me. Monday AM I leave for my 5 days of chemo and I could easily be bald at the end of the week. This is a rollar coaster ride for me right now. Love, Suzanne

2006-09-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

Preparing for next week-5 days of chemo

Hi everyone. It has taken me a few days to get my picture moved from my posting to my profile!
Next monday i go back to Monterey for 5 straight days of chemo. Each treatment takes about 3 hours, I am gearing up for it! These last days have been quite enjoyable along with my naps.
I am taking advantage of the pool in my complex. Each day I get into that pool and do my exersice. My body seems to take it better in the water. I am rebuilding myself slowly.
Today Kaiser pharmacy told that the chemo I am receiving is 1/2 the power they would have used (IF they would have suggested this , instead of suggesting a conservitive approach first). I will ask Dr Rubin ( Monterey) about this. I also have been doing quite a bit of reading of other alternitive approaches. I have my friend Michele researching "clinical trials". There is one in Santa Monica that may be hopeful.
At this point I have to research EVERYTHING. There are many treatment and many approaches to be considered. No one treatment is for everyone.
I went to my support group today and they gave me information about other doctors who can be a source of information for other ways to do this. People survive without chemo, its hard to accept because that is western medicine and that is what we know. I will keep you posted. Love, Suzanne

2006-09-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

False Alarm

Friday I saw Dr Ewing ( He did my surgery) because I had this burning, stabbing knife pain in my stomach area. He gave me a complete exam and said I am doing very well. He pressed on "THE SPOT" of pain and his only thought was that I had pulled something. He said "you are still healing". While I grab a pillow when I sneeze or laugh, there some moments when it takes me by suprise. I could have pulled a deep muscle. Time will tell.

He said it is really common to knee jerk after going thru my cancer experience. Every little pain etc you think it is cancer and you want to react right away. He says it goes away in a few years.

YEARS, he said years?? I thought I was to get my affairs in order and fight for my life. That felt kinda good. I have tried to "read" in his eyes what he was thinking my time was based on his experience. Doctors are VERY careful about telling you a time-they only imply in a very general way.

More evidence for me that I need to relax more, keep my mind on the positive track. I have read plenty about people sent home "terminal" and 10 years later they are living a complete life.

When I was with Mary I told her that if everyone has died from this desease in a short time, some one someday has to be the one to live. AND that will be ME! (she probably thinks I am over the top!). Think about it...it is true, SOMEONE has to be the first. Why not me? Love Suzanne

2006-09-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

Thursday was a beautiful AND a devestating day...

The beautiful part.
I met with my Barb Barstead and her daughter Kerry for lunch. Barb and I have known each other since high school. 29 or so years ago Barb and I went to Paris with a group of ladies. We have many crystal clear memories and hardy belly laughs from that trip. It is such a pleasure to RELAX and spend quality time with a friend who has such a history role in my life. It was wonderful!

Devestation and THE TEST

Prepare for the worst-plan for the best

I spent one and a half hours with Mary, the oncology nurse in Pleasanton. I wanted the truth. I wanted honesty. I got that, it just set be back a bit.

I sat as she read over my patholgy report and the notes from surgery. She put the papers down, turned her face directly to mine and with clear eye contact says "I want to be honest with you ( yes, yes, that is what I want). " Your situation is serious, much more serious than I thought from our other conversations. This is a very agressive cancer."
While I knew this, the frankness and the ability to ask all questions really clarified some things for me.
I am so happy I met Mary, this is some one who will be on my team with knowledge that I need. I must have the knowledge to make good decisions about my health.

Mary went line by line of my surgery report and told be in laymans terms what they did and why they did it.
I knew the doctors did'nt get all the cancer and it is still in my colen an some scatterings. I now know it is sprinkled over my diaphram. This cannot be taken out, it must be treated with chemo to get rid of it.
My pathology reports that I have a mixed mullerium tumor. What that means is I have more than one type of cancer. Sarcoma being the most aggressive. She showed me on a ruler how big the tumor was, bigger than any babys head. Or go to the produce department and find a squash that is smaller at the top and larger at the bottom. Bottom line it was BIG !

We talked about how great I look and how good I feel, yet, there are waves of gut wrenching tears. These take over me for max 60 secounds, the tears come from the deepest part of me.
She tells me it is common and it is part of grieving.

She also suggested and recommended that after chemo the doctor may want to take a secound look. That means surgery. I lost it there, my recovery was so difficult, I cant see myself doing that again. Then again, the surgery probably wont be so extreme and the recovery could be easier.
She STRESSED...you must only have JOY in your life. If you wanted to travel do it now. What ever it is do not wait. You are feeling good now, but later on you wont be. This is going to be a difficult battle.
It made me realize that I was thinking, ok about 6 months of chemo and then Ill start doing things I want to do. She stressed over and over-do it now.

I started thinking about what is it I want to do ,if I knew, I had only 6 months to live.
At this point, I am thinking about selling my condo, paying off all bills, cashing out investments and travel to all the places I have dreamed of (when my health allows it). I want to spend a week in Hawaii with Barry, Joe, Deb, Rod, Lara and Jake.
Barry will rent a house in Walnut Creek and we will be together there. We will do all the things I dreamed about.
AND THEN...what if 2 years pass and I am still here in rare form enjoying my work. Oh well, yippee, I have no regrets and nothing to worry about. Barry is fianancially stable. What ever I want to do he is behind me (and a few hundred of you friends/supporters)
I need to grab the gusto NOW and not hold back.

New pain
For the last week I have had a burning, stabbing pain located 3 inch's above and 3 inch's to the right of my belly button . I though maybe I pulled a muscle etc. It is always there.
Mary says "thats in your stomach" it could be nerve endings healing or the cancer could have spread. See your doctor. I have an appointment today at 3:15 Oakland Kaiser with Dr Ewening, who did my surgery.

Cinical trials
We went on line and looked at a variety of clinical trials being done that would be appropiate to my condition. It appears there may be quite a few to sort thru that deal with my type of cancer. It will take quite a bit of research to determine which ones are feasable for me. After finding the ones who would take me, she suggested I ask Dr Rubin (Monterey) what he knows or thinks about these trials. They all have different qualifications needed. One of the qualifications that kept coming up was no chemo started. I saw a few that said to qualify you must have life expectancy of 12 weeks. Yikes,my eyes doubled in size when I saw that. Mary say "these are a last ditch effert to live".

What do I know-what did I learn?
While thursday set me back a bit... I must view it as a test. Am I going to let new information stop me from fighting for my life, from carry that TOURCH for Suzanne. NO and NO and NO.
While the new information may have set me for a spin, it is not going to stop me from being the warrior that I am. Love, Suzanne

2006-08-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

Encouraging news

Today wedesday, was one of my best days so far. I got a 9am massage at home and it started my day on a good note. Here it is almost 6pm and I have not had a nap, or felt as if I needed one. Believe me, I will take each day as it comes, however it is great to be able to experience this!

How come I can describe what things taste like when I have never experienced it? Most food taste like a cardboard cracker with motor oil poured on it. How many of you have tasted motor oil. Somehow that is what it seems like-ugh!. Today for the first time in a while I have some taste buds. I could taste some of the ceaser salad, chicken pasta and wine. It is so encouraging to know that for a few days I can eat llike a "normal" person.

More news
Tuesday Pleasanton's support group took me to a wonderful location. Valley Care Hospital has a library devoted to books on Cancer-thousands of books. And better yet a RN oncologist who runs it. We spoke for 10 mins and set up a time on Thursday to meet. I will bring all my medications, pathology report, written dictation of surgery and program of chemo treatment.
This nurse is a communicator and will be able to explain what my cancer IS, what happened in sugery, what the chemo is, what treatment trials may be available for my unique cancer. This is truley ...UTOPIA !!!.
I wont have time pressure talking with her ( with doctors I am very aware the next patient is waiting). She will be a partner in getting ME educated, so I can make the right decisions for myself. I am learning BIG TIME-you have to manage your own care. In managing your care you NEED the information. I am really happy about finding her.
Love, Suzanne

2006-08-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

Monday August 28

I was told that each day, the chemo wears off. I am 'feeling better", however the loss of vitality is a bummer for me. I am use to being a race horse, and my body is saying...no.no.no. So I must continue to pace my self. It seems that with a few rest/naps a day I can accomplish ONE PROJECT. Like today, getting myself showered, blow dried, and light makeup also required a rest ..Packing up and traveling to my house in Dublin, required a rest. Georgianne took me to Kaiser for a blood test and then grocery shoping, yep, that requires a rest.

There is so much support in the contra costa community for me. Many cancer support type groups, moderate exercise classes. kniting classes all for free at "The Wellness Center" in Walnut Creek.
Tuesday I will go to an afternoon support group for cancer in Pleasanton. Love, Suzanne

2006-08-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

Saturday
I did get to sleep some last night, with the help of sleeping pills. Only woke up few times. I am drinking so much water that I do have many bathroom stops!
Part of a side effect of this strong chemo drug is that you can damage your kidneys. I must drink plenty of water. I keep a sports bottle full, so I am constantly reminded to drink. Water tastes funny, kinda flat. Well, everything I put in my mouth has had a change. The only sensation I have is texture. I taste no sour, no sweet, so why eat? Just a habit I guess. I also need to keep my body healthy.
I got up at 7am feeling REALLY GOOD. I juiced carrots and apples -I was able to taste come carrot. Around 10 am I felt a drop, I am tired.
Barry dropped me off at Joe and Deb's and I was ready for a nap.
My side effects at this point seen to be:

Cant talk much, very hoarse throat
Tired
Brain is on slow gear-cant seem to get words wanted out of my mouth to make sense!

The meditation DVD's are very powerful. As many of you know I have done many mind awarness courses that were very helpfull.

These DVD's take a person on a mind journey that is so intimate ,positive and peaceful. At the end of each program, it leaves me feeling so peaceful and hopeful. In some cases it also points out issues in my life that need attention. I guess the work is never done!

I DO feel very HOPEFUL. I see what attention and energy it is taking for me to recover and build myself up...A LOT!

Again, thank you to all of you who understand my need to be quiet (reclusive?) with myself. I am in a different state of mind (most of you know me as vivacious and friendly). I do need this time to heal. It pleases me to be able to tell ALL OF YOU how I am doing, without having to deal with the one to one-back and forth conversations. Love, Suzanne

2006-08-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

Friday evening
Home to Dublin, fnally!
Today has ben a long long day. No sleep untill Barry brings home a prescription from Kaiser. I just feel out of sorts. Eye site seems to have been blurred, antsy-cant sit still, no way to dose off. Taste , well its like eating carboard. I must say I thought I would have stronger side effects-but the weekend is not over. Barry will be with me tonight . Sat and Sun I will go to Joe and Debs house. Till then, Love Suzanne

2006-08-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

It was an all nighter!
One side effect I was told was not being able to sleep. Each day the nurse would ask"how are you doing? Are you sleeping?" Yep, I WAS...till last night. I watched TV till 12 midnight, then meditated till 3am, then watched TV till it was time to get eady this am. AND I feel great.
Barry was smart, he got a room that he could set up his office and work and it included a 2cd tv, couch sitting area with microwave etc. I layed on the couch and watched midless tv, hoping to get some sleep.
My taste sensations are off, but alot of you know that over a year ago I lost alot of smell and taste ability,Dr saying only about 20 percent get it back-life goes on.
I am off to my 5th and last treatment for this week. I will keep you posted . Love < Suzanne

2006-08-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

Thursday 8:20pm
Same as before, no big change. I have some light head feelings, tired. Still want to eat-just not much. Feeling like I am slowing down, raspy throat, want to rest, but cannot sleep. Fri will be the last day. I will have a blood test each week at local Kaiser. Then back for another 5 day round like this. More to come. Thank you for all your calls and emails.
Some have reported that they are unable to post to the site. You can reach me at suz345678@yahoo.com. Love Suzanne

2006-08-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

Thursday AM.
Slight nausea this AM. . Nothing more to report. I am suprised That i have not felt much, some folks report that it will add up-sooo more to come tonight. Love Suz

2006-08-23T19:51:00.000-07:00

3#rd treatment results

Friends I must tell you at this points I only have slight side effects. I have a raspy voice and am tired. I was able to see the stores on Ocean Ave in Carmel. Barry and came back to the room to rest and will be in for the night. Thursday, treatment is at 10:30am. More after that session. Love Suzanne

2006-08-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

Weds 8:15 leaving for 3rd treatment!
I will reort back soon. Thanks to all you call, write and send cards. You need to know...ALL of them make me strong! Thank you for not expexting me to call you back. I have many calls I need to make each day, Joe, Rod, Aunt Nell, Barry's sister/mother. I will keep you posted. Love Suzanne

2006-08-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

Insurance information IMPORTANT to YOU

Something I have forgot to tell you, and YOU MUST look into for yourself.

About 3 months ago I took out some additional insurance policies with AFLAC. Accident, disability and CANCER, These are seperate policies you can take out in addition to you regular health policies.
There was a 30 day waiting period before the cancer policy kicked in. I had my pathology report done 25 days after I qualified. I must be living right!
I have Kaiser and no hospital cost-yet AFLAC will send me a check for every day I was in the hospital, for every day a doctor came to visit (every day!), medications give to me, and it will also pay for every day I do chemo-AND MUCH more. The fee is nominal. Please look into this for you and your families.
There are 3 levels, choose which one will work for you. Love, Suzanne

2006-08-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Tuesaday 8pm, Aug 22
It could not have been a better day!

Thank you Nancy Maxwell for calling Susan Watson.

Friends , over more that 12-15 years ago I lived in Fresno and Nancy,Susan, and I were the "rat pack". After moving to the east coast for a few years and then to Livermore, Susan and I lost touch. I heard she married Warren Lev and I was really happy for her-I knew it would be a nice fit.
Today as I was getting my chemo treatment a nurse came to the door and said "Susan Watson is here to see you" I was shocked!
Suzan's daughter lives in Monterey and she was due for a visit.
A tearful reunion it was. I was so great to see her, she brought her friend named Mary, who I remember from Fresno.
We talked about old times, new times and a promise to stay connected. Susan, you need to know, it made my day.!
The chemo treatment went fine. They got an IV that will stay in a few days. There is no feeling of fluids going in. And so far...no bad side effects. I am grateful.
Weds I go at 9am and will report back. But I have to tell you, this part is very smooth. I have fantastic meditation tapes. I am reading Berney Siegal's book "Love,Medicine abd Miracles" and meditation tapes-I highy recommend these. Stay tuned, Love Suzanne

2006-08-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

Tuesday report... 1st chemo behind me

GOOD NEWS, the hardest part was getting the IV in. I felt nothing and have had NO side effects. I feel great today, went for am walk and breakfast. I will reort later on the invusion clinic. It was FABULOUS.
We are off for food and 2cd treatment. Just wanted to let you know I am OK !!love Suz

2006-08-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

GOOD NEWS...Chemo here I come!

Friends, sorry for the delay. I have had problems with the blog company I was using. I am hoping this company will be better!

To bring you up to date:
I am feeling stonger each day. I find I need 2 naps per day to keep up.
August 11th I met with a cancer specialist in Monterey named Dr Ruban . We discussed treatment and he needed to gain more information by speaking directly with my surgeon, Dr Ewing at Kaiser Oakland.

All has been resolved.

Kaiser will furnish ALL MEDICATIONs to Dr Rubin to administer for my treatment. Kaiser will perform all needed test and be open arms to me for anything I need locally.

My treatment will begin this monday. It will be M-T-W-TH-F. Barry and I will be staying in a hotel in Monterey.

I am excited about starting the 2cd phase of my recovery.
I will keep you informned as events occur. love Suzanne

2006-08-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

How it all began-facing reality

When a doctor says "you have cancer", you think you are hearing him talk. It really is like the movies where you see his mouth moving, you know he is talking in slow motion, however your head is exploding...you are in disbelief. It’s as if someone took a 2x4 and whacked you in the head-SHOCK.
Thank you friends, your support of prayers and concern is overwhelming. I want to keep all of you informed of my journey. I am a strong woman and I am going to fight this. I will be a survivor.
Here it is 3 weeks after hearing those words and my mind is still reeling (good reason to have someone with you for all doctor visits-they can take notes).
How it started:
I was back into my body building mode, working with a trainer, eating chicken breasts and etc. I was doing lots of cardio and I was making progress. And then I hit a 6 to 8 week period where I couldn’t lose a pound, no matter how I adjusted my diet program. My stomach stayed bloated and hard (yes, I thought it was all those sit ups!). I would feel my stomach and say "wow, those sit ups are working, if only I could lose this fat". I resigned myself to have a rounded tummy, thinking that when you get older you get a paunch belly. I was also going to the bathroom a lot. For work I usually I spend a lot of time in the car and carry a BIG bottle of water. I had to discontinue that. I couldn’t get to enough bathrooms. I excused it to the commercials you see on TV...gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, it was the aging factor I thought. My bowel movements were changing, but I thought this was because of the ""super food drink" I was using. I had some pelvis pain, but thought it was gas. Looking back I can see how it all ads up, however these things came one at a time.One night in bed, I was lightly tapping on my stomach, hmmm...this feels like a knot. I saw my GYN a few days later, she did a pelvic exam and says "don’t you feel this"? She was pressing on my left side ovary area. She says "this is the size of 15 weeks" (no I'm not pregnant; they measure the size by pregnancy weeks). She tells me don’t worry, I see this all the time, they are fibroid tumors. Sends me home for the weekend-I am out of my mind. It took 2 weeks to get an appointment for a sonogram. The sonogram confirmed it was fibroid tumors. I even had a second opinion from a respected Pleasanton doctor who recommended a lapryscopic hysterectomy. He says,” get it all out, you don’t need those parts any more. I thought yes that would be the best choice. Looking back, I know he would have done a biopsy first and that would have discovered the cancer. Kaiser thought different. I could not get Kaiser to agree to do this, they all said-15 weeks in size, nope way too big. I spoke to a GYN surgeon in Walnut Creek Kaiser, he said- maybe. Then after talking to me on the phone for 10 mins, said he had to check with some experts. 2 days later he leaves a message on my phone. "Suzanne, I think I talked to you last week and I checked with my experts, I won’t be doing your surgery, I will refer you back to your doctor (who does not do surgery) because you possibly have cancer-CLICK. Well, that was another out of my mind weekend. All while the clock was ticking for me.My doctor is going on vacation and tells me-"you will have to find someone in Hayward or Oakland to help you. No one in the diablo area will help you. Yes, I did all the work calling and calling (you know the call center) and I finally got to talk to a real nurse in a real GYN office in Hayward. She gave me an appointment for the next day and a pencil in for Aug 18 fibroid surgery.Dr Sam Young was kind, loving and attentive. He did a pelvic and says "wow, this has grown, it is no longer 15 weeks in size, more like 20 weeks, this is rapidly growing. I am going to order a CA125 blood test, if the numbers come back high, I won’t be doing your surgery, and you will see a specialist in Oakland".A few days later I am in the GYN Oncologist office in Oakland. He is looking at my CT scan and MRI. He says "very defiantly you have cancer...surgery will be next Tuesday". Believe me, there is not enough time, you make lists of what you need to do. SHOCK… big time. I stayed strong, however, I was a basket case on the inside, all the WHAT IF’S. Mentally starting to plan my funeral (I have found out this is common) and then feeling guilty about think that!My main rock was Barry, my best friend. Many of you may know him as Carl, because, his birth name was Carl Bayard Johnston, named after his father and family always called him Barry. He kept me strong. How was I to tell my children? It was very difficult. I wanted to be straight forward (as you know I am), yet I didn’t want to freak them out. I wanted to give them the best picture of my recovery.July 25. Barry, Joe and Deb (son and wife) go to Kaiser Oakland for a 9:30am check in. Surgery started at 12 noon, it lasted 6 hours. Recovery at 6pm for the fight of my life. I was in so much pain I could only shallow breath and not move at all. I can only remember saying "please help me" over and over. I was struggling to breathe, I wanted to sleep, but when I would sleep I would stop breathing. The nurses had a hard time getting my pain under control; it was a 10+ in pain. I really thought I was dying. I went to recovery at 6pm and finally at 10pm Barry, Joe and Deb stormed in. They would wait no longer. I felt their energy from yards away. It gave me strength. The nurse allowed one at a time to be with me. I remember Joe says "mom, wake up, breathe". I remember Barry and his strength by my side, made me want to fight, and I remember Deb's loving touch on my arm.I told them to leave I had to be alone to fight. I could spare no energy for anyone else.The nurse got an OK for more morphine and it took the pain down to a 5. Finally I had some relief. I was lucky, there were no beds open in the hospital. I stayed in recovery till 5pm the next day. I think it saved my life. I had a nurse at the foot of my bed all night. One of the nurses fought for me. The hospital called and said we have a room for Ms Robles, a middle bed in a 3 bed room. I heard her say "No absolutely not, you must do better" and slammed the phone down. An hour later I was wheeled into a private room. YEAH!!!The rest of my stay is a blur. Its not joke when they say you can’t sleep in a hospital. Some one came in at least every 4 hours to do something, take blood, do blood pressure, and check my IV.Something I learned was that when people visit, you the patient give your energy to them. You don’t try to...it just happens. So remember to keep your visits short, when someone is in serious condition.Now I am staying at Joe and Debs in Livermore for recovery. I am managing my energy. Some days I do too much and I have to back down and rest, in fact I am really tired most of the time. It was only the 25th that I was in surgery. I have a 12 to 14 inch incision from above my belly button all the way to below my pelvis bone. It is healing quite nicely and the swelling is going down.My other son Rod , his wife Lara and my grandson Jake came from Texas for a few days...wow, that really felt good.On Fridays August 9th, Barry will take me to a (famous) specialist at the Monterey Community Hospital for his opinion of what treatment I can do. On Thursday the 17th, I have a consultation appointment at Kaiser Walnut Creek for their thoughts on chemo. I am going to do chemo; the doctor could not get all the cancer.I will keep you posted as I go to each appointment and all that follows.To all of you reading this: I have every intention of living. I am fighting this monster. The only job I have right now is to get myself well. I have always done my jobs superbly. Remember this...facts are facts. It is the ATTITUDE that counts. My attitude along with your positive thoughts and prayers is going to make me the survivor I am.Love, Suzanne

Yikes!...body parts missing
Ok, so who cares! but I forgot to tell you WHAT they took out. I was amazed, and today I am feeling so much better. Its hard to imagine that July 25th I had such serious surgery. Missing parts...both tubes, both ovaries,all of uterus, appendix, most of cervix, and a fatty (YEAH! ) apron that hangs over your stomach. I have lost 15 pounds, which is great, however I can't spare any more and have to increase my intake. Hardly any of my clothes fit, thay hang like a sack. But I guess thats not a bad problem to have !! I went to a specialist today, friday in Monterey. I will report on that sat. I am way too tired Thanks. friends. I love your feedback. Suzanne
Stay tuned…
I had a bad night last night (Sunday). I am doing nothing today. I will report later. Love Suzanne